How to Forgive Yourself and Find Healing After Losing a Loved One

Losing a loved one is an incredibly complicated and challenging experience.

The emotions that come with grief can be overwhelming, especially when there are unresolved conflicts or feelings of anger involved. It’s important to acknowledge and work through these complex emotions in order to find healing and forgiveness.

In this article, we will explore various strategies and techniques to help you forgive yourself and navigate the grieving process after the loss of someone you love.

Understanding the Complexity of Grief

Grief is a multifaceted journey, and it’s not uncommon to experience conflicting emotions after the death of a loved one.

When the loss is unexpected or there were unresolved issues, the grief may become even more complicated. You may find yourself feeling a mix of sadness, anger, guilt, and regret.

It’s important to remember that these emotions are valid and normal reactions to loss.

Each death of a loved one that I have experienced has had its own unique feelings and emotions. Probably my most surprising emotion was anger. Why should I be angry at my Daddy for dying? Why should I be angry at my babies that did not survive?

I didn’t want to acknowledge my feelings. I was embarrassed that I felt that way. It didn’t seem normal, and I didn’t want others to judge me because of my feelings. But you know what? It doesn’t matter what others think. This is your grief, not theirs. They did not have the same relationship that you did, and your feelings are just as valid as theirs.

Acknowledging Your Anger and Hurt

One of the first steps towards forgiveness is acknowledging and accepting your anger and hurt. Acknowledging your hurt is the first step to healing. In the wise words of Albus Dumbledore,

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”

J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

It’s okay to feel angry at someone who has passed away, even if it seems contradictory to the typical grieving process.

Suppressing or denying these emotions will only prolong your healing journey. Our bodies react in strange ways when we hold in our emotions. We can become physically ill or depressed. We can develop a higher risk of heart disease or stroke. Our emotions can trigger headaches or migraines. We might overeat or under eat, both of which are problematic.

I recently read an amazing book entitled The Body Keeps the Score. This book addresses how trauma impacts our brains and bodies. And when we lose someone, whether we use this word or not, we experience trauma. Click here for a great summary of this book.

Find a safe space to express your feelings, whether it’s through journaling, talking to a trusted friend or therapist, or seeking support from a grief support group.

Communicating Your Emotions

While it’s important to express your anger and hurt, it’s crucial to be mindful of how and when you communicate these emotions. Understand that not everyone may be ready or able to understand your feelings, especially in the immediate aftermath of the loss.

Choose your confidants wisely and consider seeking support from individuals who can provide a non-judgmental and empathetic ear. This is not the time to call on the friend who always wants to solve your problems for you or the one who agrees with everything you say, though these types of friends have their place in your grief journey. Rather, this is the time to call on someone who will actively listen!!! The one with the quiet spirit who will let you talk or laugh or cry or yell is the one you need by your side at this stage.

Writing a letter to the deceased person, even if you never send it, can also be a therapeutic way to process your thoughts and emotions. I did this very thing when my precious Daddy died. Writing a letter helped me express my feelings in a safe and honest way. I never showed it to anyone; in fact, I burned the letter as a symbolic way to “send it” to my Daddy.

Finding Closure and Resolution

Closure can be a crucial part of the healing process, especially when there were unresolved issues with the person who passed away. Attending memorial services or burials can offer an opportunity for closure, but it’s important to be mindful of the setting and the needs of others who are grieving.

Avoid discussing conflicts during these events, as it may disrupt the purpose of the gathering. Instead, find private moments or seek professional guidance to address these unresolved issues.

Our family had some definite tension at my Daddy’s funeral. Family members were not talking to other family members or had not seen them in a couple of years. This was not the time to hash out all of their issues or try to get them talking. The best thing for everyone was to keep them physically separated and not force them to speak when they truly did not want to.

The Power of Forgiveness

One of the most powerful tools for healing is forgiveness. Although it may seem difficult or even undeserved, forgiveness is ultimately for your own well-being. And this includes forgiving yourself as well as the person who died.

Holding onto anger, bitterness, and resentment only weighs you down and prevents you from finding peace.

Remember that forgiveness does not mean excusing the actions or minimizing the pain caused. It’s about releasing the burden and freeing yourself from the negative emotions that can hinder your healing process.

Embracing Change and Growth

In the journey towards self-forgiveness, it’s important to embrace change and allow yourself to grow. Recognize that you are not static, and it’s natural to have evolving attitudes and emotions. Others may not understand or support your forgiveness journey, but that should not deter you.

“Forgiveness gives more to the giver than to the receiver.

Carmel Phillips

Focus on your own growth and healing and surround yourself with individuals who uplift and support your journey.

Patience and Time

Healing from complex grief takes time and patience. It’s crucial to give yourself permission to grieve and process your feelings at your own pace. You cannot rush grief. It takes however long it takes.

Understand that there is no set timeline for healing, and everyone’s journey is unique. Be patient with yourself as you navigate through the ups and downs of the healing process. There are days that you will wonder why you are still grieving as much as you are and days that you will wonder if it ever gets any easier.

Seek professional help if needed, as therapists and grief counselors can provide valuable guidance and support.

Focusing on the Positive

While it’s important to process and acknowledge your pain, it’s also beneficial to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship with the deceased person.

Reflect on the good times, the love shared, and the lessons learned.

Remember that regret may sometimes overshadow the blessings you experienced. Embrace the love that still surrounds you, whether it’s from other family members, friends, or your own self-love.

The Path to Healing

Forgiving yourself and finding healing after losing a loved one is a complex and deeply personal journey. It requires acknowledging and working through conflicting emotions, communicating your feelings in a safe space, seeking closure and resolution, embracing forgiveness, and allowing yourself time to heal.

Remember that healing is not linear, and it’s okay to have both good and difficult days. Be gentle with yourself, practice self-care, and seek support from loved ones and professionals.

As you embark on this path to healing, may you find peace, forgiveness, and a renewed sense of strength and resilience.

Additional Information:

• It’s important to establish healthy boundaries and protect yourself from toxic relationships, even after the person has passed away.
• Seek support from grief support groups or therapy to navigate the complexities of grief and forgiveness.
• Practice self-compassion and self-care throughout your healing journey.
• Consider engaging in activities that promote self-reflection, such as meditation or mindfulness practices, to help process your emotions.
• Incorporate rituals or memorial activities that honor and remember your loved one in a meaningful way.