Grief Is Not Linear

Understanding the Unpredictable Journey of Loss

Grief is one of the most deeply personal and complex experiences we go through as human beings. When we lose someone we love, the world shifts, often leaving us feeling lost, overwhelmed, and uncertain about what comes next. One of the biggest misconceptions about grief is that it follows a predictable path—a neat, step-by-step process that moves from pain to acceptance in a straight line. But grief is not linear. It is messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal.

If you are grieving or supporting someone who is, it’s important to understand that healing isn’t about moving through “stages” in order. There is no checklist to complete, no perfect timeline. Instead, nonlinear grief is a journey with twists, turns, and sometimes unexpected detours. And that’s okay.

The Myth of the Five Stages of Grief

One of the most well-known grief models is the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This model, introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, was originally meant to describe the emotional process of terminally ill patients facing their own mortality. Over time, it became widely applied to all forms of grief, leading many people to believe that grief follows a sequential order.

While the five stages can certainly describe common emotions people experience, grief does not follow a straight path where one moves neatly from one stage to the next. Some people never experience certain stages at all, while others cycle through emotions multiple times. You might feel acceptance one day and intense sadness the next. You might feel moments of peace followed by unexpected waves of anger or guilt. This unpredictability is normal and is a key characteristic of the nonlinear grief journey.

Grief Comes in Waves, Not Steps

One of the most accurate metaphors for grief is the image of waves crashing on the shore. In the beginning, those waves feel relentless—huge, overwhelming, and constant. You may feel like you are drowning in sorrow, unable to catch your breath. Over time, the waves become less frequent, but they still come, sometimes unexpectedly. A song, a scent, an anniversary, or even a random moment can bring back the full force of your loss as if no time has passed at all.

Understanding grief as a wave-like experience can help ease the pressure of feeling like you need to “move on.” The reality is that grief does not disappear—it evolves. Some days, you will feel stronger. Other days, the pain will feel fresh again.

This does not mean you are failing to heal; it means you are human.

The Long-Term Nature of Grief

A common misunderstanding is that grief has an expiration date. Society often expects grieving individuals to “get back to normal” within weeks or months. But grief does not adhere to a set timeline. Some losses remain profoundly painful for years, while others become more manageable over time but never fully fade.

A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that grief can continue to impact individuals significantly, even years after a loss. For some, the pain may lessen, while for others, certain life events—like weddings, births, or holidays—can reignite deep feelings of loss.

Rather than trying to force yourself or someone else to “move on,” it’s more helpful to acknowledge that grief is a lifelong companion. It changes shape, but it doesn’t simply go away. And that’s okay.

Revisiting Emotions Years Later

One of the most challenging aspects of grief’s nonlinear nature is the way old emotions can resurface unexpectedly. It’s not uncommon for people to feel sadness, anger, or even guilt many years after a loss. This can be confusing, especially if you thought you had already “processed” your grief.

For example, a woman who lost her father as a teenager may find herself mourning his absence deeply on her wedding day, decades later. A man who lost his best friend in college may feel fresh waves of sorrow when his own child reaches the age his friend was when he passed. These moments do not mean a person has regressed—they are simply a reminder that grief is woven into the fabric of our lives.

I have had my own experiences with emotions coming back for a visit after many years. My mom died when I was in my early twenties. I was in the second year of my master’s program, and I was finishing up some research so I could go home and spend the Thanksgiving holiday with my family. My beautiful mom died a couple of days before Thanksgiving Day; she was just 48 years young. I expect Thanksgiving to be a tough holiday, and I have the whole year to mentally prepare for it. What I wasn’t able to prepare for was a cancer diagnosis right after I turned 48, the age my mom was when she died. The diagnosis was difficult enough, but the age struck me the most. And it struck hard.

The Role of Triggers

Triggers—unexpected reminders of loss—are a common reason why grief can feel like it comes back in full force after a period of relative peace. Triggers can be anything: a familiar scent, a favorite song, a holiday, or even a random moment that brings a loved one to mind.

Understanding that these moments are natural can help you be more compassionate with yourself when grief resurfaces. Instead of feeling frustrated that you’re still affected by your loss, try to approach these moments with gentleness. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up, without judgment.

Coping with Grief’s Nonlinear Nature

While there is no perfect way to grieve, there are some approaches that can help navigate the unpredictable nature of loss:

1. Allow Yourself to Feel Without Guilt – There is no right or wrong way to grieve. If you are feeling intense emotions years later, that is normal.
2. Practice Self-Compassion – Speak to yourself with kindness, just as you would to a friend going through loss.
3. Create Rituals of Remembrance – Finding ways to honor your loved one can provide comfort. Lighting a candle, visiting a special place, or writing them a letter can help keep their memory close.
4. Talk About Your Feelings – Grief can feel isolating, but talking about your emotions with trusted friends, family, or a support group can be healing.
5. Seek Professional Help If Needed – If your grief feels too overwhelming or is interfering with daily life, talking to a grief counselor or therapist can provide valuable support.
6. Understand That Healing Does Not Mean Forgetting – Moving forward does not mean you stop loving or missing the person you lost. It means you learn to carry their memory in a way that allows you to continue living.

Embracing the Journey

Grief is not a problem to be solved, nor is it a path with a clear destination. It is a lifelong journey, filled with unexpected turns, moments of deep sorrow, and, over time, moments of peace.

If you are grieving, know that there is no right timeline, no “shoulds” or “should nots.” Wherever you are in your journey, it is valid. Healing does not mean forgetting, and moving forward does not mean leaving your loved one behind. They remain with you, woven into your heart and your life, always.

Be gentle with yourself. Take it moment by moment. And remember—you are not alone.