Grief Is Like A Wave

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” -Vicki Harrison

I am not a huge fan of the beach. I can identify two events that have seared themselves into my brain and have contributed to my dislike of the beach.

the First event…

…happened on a family trip to the beach when I was about 8 years old. It involved me swimming into a school of Man-o-War, getting stung on both legs, experiencing excruciating pain, and hearing a lifeguard tell my brother to pee on my legs to stop the pain and stinging. Uh…No!!

The second event…

…happened when I was a teenager. We were once again on a family trip to the beach. The riptide was incredibly strong on this particular day. My parents warned my brothers and I to stay close to shore and always keep our towels in view (as this is where our mom was sitting with our infant sister.) I did not realize that I had been pulled out so far. I was actually able to stand pretty far out so I thought I was safe. What I didn’t know was that I was on a sandbar. I saw a pretty good-sized wave coming and I wanted to body surf to shore like my brothers.

I pushed off from the sandbar and was immediately pulled under water. The wave was over my head, and I was swallowing A LOT of water. I was tossed around like a ragdoll, tossed up and then immediately pushed back under. I scraped my legs and arms and face on the sand below. I was completely terrified but could not scream for help because of all of the water that was in my mouth.

I honestly thought that I would not make it out of the waves.

I feared that I would continue to be tossed around, pulled and pushed from every direction. Lifted up and then smashed right down again. Ground in the sand with all of the scrapes and bruises to show for it. I did not see a way out.

Grief, Like Waves, Can Knock Us Over

When you ride a wave, you feel the water pushing against your body, and all of a sudden you are riding an infinite expanse. It’s easy to think that no matter what happens in life, everything will be just fine because this feeling is so incredible!

You look up and see a wave coming. You estimate the height and how far it will carry you toward shore. Suddenly the wave seems taller than it did a moment earlier. It completely overwhelms you. One minute you are on the top of the wave and the next you are thrown down into the sand and gravel.

I think it’s the same with grief. You feel overwhelmed and cannot face the grief that comes along with it. Grieving people feel tossed about and knocked over by grief. You can’t cope, you can’t concentrate. Every day life seems unbearable. Your emotions are out of control and life feels very disorienting and confusing.

Grief, Like Waves, Has Many Ups and Downs

The ocean is vast and full of mystery. It is a place of constant change and movement. It’s always in flux, never the same from one day to the next. Even the sand on the bottom is constantly being moved around by the currents. It’s a place where you can never quite predict what will happen next.

You can feel the ocean’s power while you’re standing on top of a giant wave, looking out over the horizon. The view can be beautiful from the top of the swell. You can see into the distance, maybe seeing a life raft or small island of refuge.

But just when you think you are riding high, a wave comes and topples over you. You are lowered back into darkness again only to feel as though you will not come out of it this time. It might be a smell, a sight, a memory… anything that reminds you of your loss. You are thrown back down into the valley.

Grief has a similar pattern of peaks and valleys, up and downs. Sometimes you are up and you’re feeling good. You’re feeling like you can handle what life throws at you. You even start looking forward to the future, or at least not be so fearful. And then you can round a corner and run into something that reminds you of your loss and you are thrown back down into the valley again.

Grief Has a Rhythm But Watch for Rogue Waves

Ocean waves will normally have a rhythm and a pattern to them; you can more or less count on the up and down of the waves, and the in and out of the tide.

But imagine that you are sitting on the beach enjoying the rhythm of the waves. Suddenly an enormous wave comes crashing over you. It is not like any of the waves before it. This wave has a different rhythm and pattern that makes it almost freakish in nature. It is twice as high and more powerful than most of the others, making them very dangerous! These are rogue waves.

Grief is similar to the rhythm and unpredictability of the ocean. There are typical reactions that people can expect along the grief journey, such as anger, depression, and guilt. But though there are typical reactions, everyone’s experiences are unique. No one can say exactly how someone will react to a loss.

The Weather Eventually Clears

When you are deep in the ocean or being bowled over by a rogue wave, just know it will not last. The waters will calm down; it’s part of the natural cycle. The sun is eventually going to come out and you’ll be able see a glimmer of hope. No matter how rough it seems now, just wait for the clouds over head to clear! It takes time but there is hope!

Just like when I was tossed around by the waves, there also came a time of calm. When I stopped panicking and fighting I was able to make it to safety. I am not going to say that it will be easy, and you might get knocked over more than you stand up. But, like the ocean waves, there is a natural cycle of ups and downs, highs and lows, peaks and valleys. We just need to hang on.